| [00:01.-1] |
Mother,just once, can we go to lunch... |
| [00:09.-4] |
Or who I'm dating. |
| [01:39.-1] |
Still,it's just such reckless spending. |
| [05:05.-1] |
Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. “ |
| [15:02.-4] |
Hey,how about Joey Heatherton? |
| [18:10.-2] |
I'm not just the person who fluffs the pillows... |
| [18:16.-2] |
You know,when I'm with her, I'm so much more than that. |
| [00:03.88] |
...and not talk about what I'm wearing or where my career is going? |
| [00:11.89] |
-Ready for the check? -God,yes. - |
| [00:14.09] |
-I'll take it. -No,darling. |
| [00:16.13] |
I said I'll take it. Here,take it. Go. Run. |
| [00:22.43] |
Very sweet. |
| [00:23.90] |
-And on what they pay you -Career. - |
| [00:27.67] |
You don't have to worry about me. I'm doing fine. |
| [00:31.44] |
I'm afraid this has been denied. |
| [00:34.25] |
That's impossible. |
| [00:36.01] |
That's all right,dear. Here you go. |
| [00:41.65] |
The One With The Fake Monica |
| [01:29.93] |
How'd someone get your card number? |
| [01:32.44] |
No idea. Look how much they spent. |
| [01:35.01] |
You only have to pay for the stuff you bought. |
| [01:41.91] |
When somebody steals... |
| [01:44.08] |
...they've already thrown caution to the wind. |
| [01:49.02] |
Wow,what a geek. They spent $69. 95 on a Wonder Mop. |
| [01:55.49] |
That's me. |
| [01:59.83] |
You see,when I say geek,I mean |
| [02:03.07] |
The hell with it,you bought a $70 mop,you're a geek. |
| [02:08.04] |
Oh,yuck. Ross,he's doing it again. |
| [02:12.31] |
Marcel,stop humping the lamp. |
| [02:14.61] |
Stop humping. Now,Marcel,come Come here,Marcel. |
| [02:18.48] |
Oh,no. Not in my room. I'll get him. |
| [02:21.49] |
You've got to do something about that. |
| [02:24.19] |
What? It's just a phase. |
| [02:26.69] |
Well,that's what we said about Joey. |
| [02:31.10] |
You'd think you would be more understanding. |
| [02:34.33] |
I know. But we're not. |
| [02:36.73] |
Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal. |
| [02:40.04] |
-Marcel,stop it. Marcel. Bad monkey. -What? |
| [02:44.31] |
Let's say my Curious George is no longer curious. |
| [02:56.19] |
You are not still going over that thing. |
| [02:59.26] |
-This woman's living my life. -What? - |
| [03:02.66] |
She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me. |
| [03:06.76] |
Look at this. Look. She buys tickets to plays I wanna see. |
| [03:11.70] |
She shops where I'm afraid of the salespeople. |
| [03:15.47] |
-She spent $300 on art supplies. -You're not an artist. - |
| [03:19.48] |
I might be if I had the supplies. |
| [03:23.45] |
I mean,I could do all this stuff. Only I don't. |
| [03:28.05] |
Oh,Monica,come on. You do cool things. |
| [03:30.72] |
Really? Let's compare,shall we? |
| [03:33.22] |
Oh,it's so late for "shall we." |
| [03:37.23] |
Do I horseback ride in the park? |
| [03:39.63] |
-Do I take classes at the New School? -No. - |
| [03:44.44] |
She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother. |
| [03:57.65] |
-How about Joey Paponi? -No,still too ethnic. - |
| [04:02.00] |
-My agent wants a more neutral name. -Joey Switzerland? - |
| [04:11.33] |
Plus,I think it should be Joe. Joey makes me sound like I'm this big: |
| [04:17.24] |
Which I'm not. |
| [04:20.94] |
Joe,Joe,Joe Stalin? |
| [04:26.08] |
Stalin. |
| [04:28.51] |
Do I know that name? It sounds familiar. |
| [04:31.28] |
Well,it does not ring a bell with me. |
| [04:34.92] |
But you're more plugged into that show business thing. |
| [04:38.72] |
Joe Stalin. |
| [04:44.06] |
You know,that's pretty good. |
| [04:46.56] |
You might wanna try Joseph. |
| [04:55.04] |
Joseph Stalin. |
| [04:58.08] |
-I think you'd remember that. -Yes. - |
| [05:02.11] |
Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. “ |
| [05:21.67] |
Hi. Yes,this is Monica Geller. |
| [05:24.47] |
I'm taking some classes with you, and I was wondering what they were. |
| [05:30.11] |
I've had a recent head injury and certain numbers |
| [05:34.35] |
Barbecue. Oh,did l? See,there you go. |
| [05:41.19] |
-What are you doing? -All right,great. - |
| [05:44.46] |
Great. Thanks a lot. I'm going to tap class. |
| [05:48.59] |
To dance with the woman that stole your card? |
| [05:51.93] |
To see what she looks like. |
| [05:53.90] |
I'm sure her picture's up at the post office. |
| [05:56.77] |
I should get to see who she is. |
| [05:59.50] |
You're kind of losing it here. This is becoming a weird obsession. |
| [06:04.68] |
This is madness,I tell you. |
| [06:07.08] |
For the love of God,Monica, don't do it. |
| [06:12.82] |
Thank you. |
| [06:22.00] |
-What do you think? -Lots of things. - |
| [06:26.76] |
-Which one is she? -May I help you? - |
| [06:29.30] |
No,thanks. We're just here to observe. |
| [06:32.34] |
You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. |
| [06:36.44] |
Spare shoes are over there. |
| [06:41.05] |
What does she mean? |
| [06:42.48] |
I think she means "You dance a dance class." |
| [06:46.42] |
-Come on,come on,come on. -Really? |
| [06:50.42] |
Do you see anybody you think could be me? |
| [06:53.26] |
Last time there were yogurt containers lying around after class. |
| [06:58.16] |
-Let's not have that happen again. -She could be you. - |
| [07:07.21] |
Let's get started. |
| [07:09.17] |
Five,six. Five,six,seven,eight. |
| [07:17.68] |
-Okay,I'm not getting this. -I'm totally getting it. - |
| [07:27.00] |
Do you ever feel like you're so uncoordinated? |
| [07:38.64] |
What? You click when they click. |
| [07:42.61] |
All right,everyone grab a partner. |
| [07:46.94] |
All right. And my dead mother said you are it. I'm with Rachel. |
| [07:52.45] |
Great,it's gym class all over again. |
| [07:57.29] |
You can come up to the front and dance with me. |
| [08:01.93] |
Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare? |
| [08:10.67] |
It's okay,it's okay. I'm here, I'm here. I'm so sorry I'm late. |
| [08:15.47] |
Okay,here I am. So who's the new tense girl? |
| [08:19.91] |
-She's your partner. -Hi,I'm Monica. - |
| [08:24.88] |
Oh,Monica. |
| [08:28.72] |
Hi,I'm Mon |
| [08:30.46] |
-Nana. -Monana. -… |
| [08:34.79] |
-It's Dutch. -You're kidding. - |
| [08:36.93] |
I spent three years in Amsterdam. |
| [08:43.10] |
Pennsylvania Dutch. |
| [08:46.64] |
And we're dancing. Five,six,seven,eight. |
| [08:58.08] |
Hi. |
| [09:01.39] |
-Hey. Where have you been? -I just got back from the vet. - |
| [09:06.42] |
She's not gonna make you wear a big plastic cone? |
| [09:13.10] |
She says Marcel's humping is not a phase. |
| [09:16.37] |
Apparently,he's reached sexual maturity. |
| [09:20.47] |
Hey,he beat you. |
| [09:26.28] |
She says,as time goes on, he's gonna start getting violent. |
| [09:31.75] |
So,what does this mean? |
| [09:35.35] |
I have to give him up. |
| [09:51.50] |
I can't believe it. This sucks. |
| [09:54.64] |
You just got him. How could he be an adult already? |
| [09:58.34] |
I know. One day he's this little thing... |
| [10:01.68] |
...and then he's this little thing I can't get off my leg. |
| [10:08.75] |
Isn't there any way to keep him? |
| [10:11.39] |
No. The vet said unless he's in a place... |
| [10:14.53] |
...where he has regular access... … |
| [10:17.76] |
...to some monkey loving... … |
| [10:20.93] |
... he's just gonna get vicious. … |
| [10:23.30] |
I just gotta get him into a zoo. |
| [10:27.87] |
-How do you get a monkey into a zoo? -I know. - |
| [10:35.11] |
No,that's popes into a Vokswagen. |
| [10:39.78] |
We're applying to a lot. Our first choice would be a big state zoo. |
| [10:44.86] |
You know,like San Diego. Right? |
| [10:49.59] |
But that may just be a pipe dream. He's out-of-state. |
| [10:55.90] |
My vet knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility. |
| [11:00.47] |
But that's two blocks from the beach. It's a total party zoo. |
| [11:10.58] |
We found the girl. |
| [11:12.42] |
-Did you call the cops? -We took her to lunch. - |
| [11:15.55] |
Oh,your own brand of vigilante justice. |
| [11:19.56] |
Are you insane? This woman stole from you. |
| [11:22.93] |
She stole. She's a stealer. |
| [11:26.33] |
After you're with this woman for 10 minutes,you forget that. |
| [11:31.34] |
I mean,she's this astounding person with this amazing spirit. |
| [11:36.27] |
Which she probably stole from some cheerleader. |
| [11:41.85] |
-Take off their hats. -Popes in a Vokswagen. - |
| [11:47.59] |
I love that joke. |
| [11:53.06] |
-No way. No way did you do this. -Monana was very brave. - |
| [11:58.63] |
We told them we were the Gundersons in room 61 5... |
| [12:02.90] |
...only to find out the Boston Celtics had the entire floor. |
| [12:07.24] |
When they saw that we're short and have breasts.... |
| [12:11.38] |
They threw us out. I was thrown out of a hotel. Me. |
| [12:15.78] |
Go,Monana. |
| [12:19.22] |
You ladies are not the only ones living the dream. |
| [12:23.09] |
I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. |
| [12:30.06] |
Oh,by the way... |
| [12:31.56] |
...tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show. |
| [12:36.27] |
-Excuse me? -There's an open call for Cats. |
| [12:39.34] |
I'm thinking we sing "Memories"... |
| [12:42.31] |
...and make complete fools of ourselves. What do you say? |
| [12:46.81] |
No,no,no. Remember who you're dealing with here. |
| [12:51.32] |
I can't even stand in front of a tap class. |
| [12:54.75] |
That's because of your Amish background. |
| [12:59.22] |
-What? -You're Pennsylvania Dutch,right? - |
| [13:02.16] |
Right. Till I bought a blow dryer. Then I was shunned. |
| [13:08.63] |
I was just like you. And then,one day, I saw a movie that changed my life. |
| [13:14.77] |
Did you ever see Dead Poets Society? |
| [13:17.48] |
I thought that movie was so incredibly boring. |
| [13:23.08] |
That thing at the end where the kid... |
| [13:25.92] |
...kills himself because he can't be in the play? … |
| [13:30.12] |
It's like,"Kid,wait a year. Leave home,do some community theater." |
| [13:37.13] |
I thought,"That's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back." |
| [13:43.57] |
That scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do. |
| [13:48.27] |
Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire. |
| [13:59.45] |
Oh,God. |
| [14:02.59] |
We didn't get into Scranton. |
| [14:06.92] |
That was,like,our safety zoo. |
| [14:10.66] |
They take,like,dogs and cows. |
| [14:16.17] |
See,I don't know who this is harder on,me or him. |
| [14:21.64] |
I'd say that chair's taking the brunt of it. |
| [14:26.94] |
Marcel. Marcel. Marcel,no. |
| [14:31.68] |
Good boy. See? How can nobody want him? |
| [14:35.79] |
Somebody will. |
| [14:40.62] |
You know,there already is a Joseph Stalin. |
| [14:48.53] |
You're kidding. |
| [14:51.10] |
Apparently,he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered people. |
| [14:57.17] |
-You'd think you would've known that. -You'd think I would've. - |
| [15:06.15] |
Come on,I told you I don't wanna go back to Joey. |
| [15:13.62] |
What do you think a good stage name for me would be? |
| [15:19.53] |
Flame Boy. |
| [15:28.51] |
Where exactly is your zoo? |
| [15:30.44] |
Well,it's technically not a zoo,per se. |
| [15:33.34] |
It's more of an interactive wildlife experience. |
| [15:37.65] |
Let me ask you some questions about Marcel. |
| [15:41.85] |
-Does he fight with other animals? -No,no. He's very docile. - |
| [15:47.59] |
Even if he were cornered? |
| [15:53.16] |
Well,I don't know. Why? |
| [15:55.77] |
How is he at handling small objects? |
| [16:00.04] |
He can hold a banana, if that's what you mean. |
| [16:04.07] |
What about a hammer or a small blade? |
| [16:10.45] |
Why would he need a blade? |
| [16:13.52] |
If he's up against an animal with horns... |
| [16:16.59] |
...you got to give him something. |
| [16:19.12] |
Otherwise,it's just cruel. |
| [16:24.19] |
-He got into San Diego. -What? - |
| [16:27.73] |
We came back from our walk. The phone was ringing.... |
| [16:31.40] |
He's in. |
| [16:32.64] |
Did you hear that,Marcel? San Diego. San Diego. |
| [16:38.18] |
You're making a mistake. San Diego's good... |
| [16:41.38] |
... but I'll start him off against a blind rabbit... |
| [16:45.08] |
...and give you 20% of the gate. |
| [17:08.31] |
Where have you been? |
| [17:09.84] |
Monica and I just crashed an embassy party. |
| [17:14.04] |
I think I kissed an archbishop. |
| [17:18.38] |
But,of course, it could've been a chef. |
| [17:23.05] |
-Are you drunk? -No. - |
| [17:31.16] |
-I'm lying. I am so drunk. -Oh,God. - |
| [17:36.60] |
You know what? You could've called. |
| [17:39.20] |
I've been worried Monica. |
| [17:48.05] |
Water rules. |
| [17:53.18] |
Yes. Yes,it does. |
| [17:55.35] |
The restaurant called. They wanna know if you're showing up for work. |
| [17:59.89] |
Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. |
| [18:04.09] |
You're gonna lose your job. This is not you. |
| [18:08.17] |
No,it is me. |
| [18:13.54] |
...and pays the bills right away. |
| [18:23.71] |
I'm Monana. |
| [18:31.72] |
Hello? Yes,she is. Hold on a second please. |
| [18:36.33] |
Monana,it's for you. The credit card people. |
| [18:41.77] |
Hello. |
| [18:45.37] |
Yes? |
| [18:48.04] |
Oh,my God. |
| [18:50.91] |
-Thanks. -What? |
| [18:55.21] |
They've arrested Monica. |
| [19:08.23] |
-Hi. -Hi. |
| [19:10.63] |
How are you? |
| [19:12.46] |
Not too bad. Fortunately,blue's my color. |
| [19:16.47] |
How did you know I was here? |
| [19:19.84] |
Because I'm Monica Geller. |
| [19:25.11] |
It was my credit card you were using. |
| [19:28.01] |
That I was not expecting. |
| [19:30.48] |
I want you to know, I didn't turn you in. |
| [19:35.22] |
-Thanks. -No,thank you. - |
| [19:38.26] |
You have given me so much. |
| [19:40.69] |
I'd never have gotten to sing... |
| [19:43.13] |
... "Memories" at the Winter Garden Theater. … |
| [19:46.00] |
Actually,you only got to sing "Memo" |
| [19:50.50] |
I can't believe you're here. What will I do without you? |
| [19:54.64] |
Who's gonna crash parties with me? |
| [19:57.31] |
Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus? |
| [20:00.34] |
I started my day by peeing in front of 25 other women... |
| [20:04.75] |
...and you're worried about who'll take you to the circus? |
| [20:10.25] |
Well,not worried, you know,just wondering. |
| [20:14.12] |
There's nothing to wonder about. |
| [20:16.83] |
You'll go back to being who you were. That's who you are. |
| [20:21.10] |
-Not necessarily. -Yes,necessarily. - |
| [20:23.70] |
I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the Amish thing. |
| [20:30.71] |
-I'm not actually Amish. -Really? Then why are you like that? - |
| [20:51.70] |
-You,by the door,in or out? -ln. - |
| [21:01.81] |
-You're getting it all wrong. -But at least I'm doing it. - |
| [21:20.66] |
This is the final boarding call for Flight 67... |
| [21:24.73] |
... to San Diego at gate 42A. |
| [21:27.16] |
Okay,goodbye,little monkey guy. All right,I wrote you this poem. |
| [21:33.07] |
Okay,but don't eat it till you get on the plane. |
| [21:36.41] |
Thank you,Aunt Phoebe. |
| [21:42.38] |
Okay,bye,champ. |
| [21:44.88] |
There'll be a lot of babes in San Diego... |
| [21:48.00] |
... but remember, there's also a lot to learn. |
| [21:57.36] |
I don't know what to say,Ross. It's a monkey. |
| [22:01.06] |
Just say what you feel,Joey. |
| [22:05.54] |
-Marcel,I'm hungry. -That was good. - |
| [22:12.31] |
Marcel,this is for you. |
| [22:15.01] |
It's just,you know,something... |
| [22:19.68] |
...to do on the plane. |
| [22:24.12] |
If you don't mind, I'd like a moment alone. |
| [22:27.59] |
-Oh,sure. Absolutely. -Go ahead. |
| [22:35.53] |
Marcel,come here. Come here. Come here. |
| [22:40.24] |
Well,buddy... |
| [22:43.94] |
...this is it. |
| [22:45.81] |
Just a couple of things I wanted to say. |
| [22:50.11] |
I'm really gonna miss you. |
| [22:53.05] |
You know,I'm never gonna forget about you. |
| [22:56.09] |
You've been more than just a pet to me. |
| [23:01.19] |
You've been more like a Okay. Marcel. |
| [23:05.50] |
Would you leave my leg alone? |
| [23:08.03] |
Would you stop humping me for two seconds? |
| [23:11.34] |
Okay,would you just take him away? Just take him. |
| [23:37.56] |
Oh,that I were a glove upon that hand... |
| [23:41.53] |
...that I might touch thy cheek. |
| [23:45.17] |
-That's fine. Thank you. -Next. |
| [23:53.74] |
I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio. |
| [23:56.65] |
-Name? -Holden McGroin. - |
