| [00:01.550] |
The One Where It All Began (Pilot) |
| [00:55.370] |
There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with. |
| [00:59.400] |
You're going out with the guy. |
| [01:01.740] |
There has to be something wrong with him. |
| [01:04.540] |
All right,Joey. Be nice. |
| [01:06.780] |
So does he have a hump and a hairpiece? |
| [01:11.120] |
Wait,does he eat chalk? |
| [01:13.720] |
I don't want her to go through what I did with Carl. |
| [01:17.190] |
Okay,everybody relax. This is not even a date. |
| [01:21.460] |
It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. |
| [01:26.060] |
Sounds like a date to me. |
| [01:31.000] |
I'm in high school, in the cafeteria.. |
| [01:33.610] |
and I realize I'm totally naked. |
| [01:37.040] |
I've had that dream. |
| [01:39.240] |
Then I look down and I realize there is a phone.. |
| [01:44.050] |
there. |
| [01:47.850] |
- Instead of - That's right! |
| [01:50.060] |
Never had that one. |
| [01:51.560] |
All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. |
| [01:56.360] |
What do I do? Everyone starts looking at me. |
| [01:59.560] |
They weren't looking at you before? |
| [02:03.100] |
Finally,I figure I'd better answer it. |
| [02:07.070] |
And it turns out it's my mother. |
| [02:11.080] |
Which is very,very weird because she never calls me. |
| [02:20.250] |
Hi. |
| [02:24.790] |
He says,"Hello," I want to kill myself. |
| [02:28.530] |
You okay? |
| [02:30.500] |
I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.. |
| [02:35.370] |
- and tied it around my neck. - Cookie? - |
| [02:40.310] |
Carol moved her stuff out today. |
| [02:43.070] |
- Let me get you some coffee. - Thanks. |
| [02:49.710] |
No,don't! Stop cleansing my aura. |
| [02:55.020] |
- Just leave my aura alone,okay? - Fine,be murky. |
| [03:00.060] |
- I'll be fine. I hope she'll be happy. - No,you don't. |
| [03:03.830] |
No,I don't. To hell with her. She left me! |
| [03:07.430] |
You never knew she was a lesbian? |
| [03:13.540] |
No! Okay? |
| [03:15.810] |
Why does everyone keep fixating on that? |
| [03:20.310] |
She didn't know. How should I know? |
| [03:24.880] |
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. |
| [03:29.420] |
Did I say that out loud? |
| [03:33.860] |
I told Mom and Dad last night. They took it pretty well. |
| [03:37.900] |
Oh,really? |
| [03:39.100] |
So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing.. |
| [03:42.930] |
"I'll never have grandchildren," was what? A wrong number? “ |
| [03:47.810] |
Sorry. |
| [03:49.010] |
Look,you're feeling a lot of pain right now. |
| [03:53.010] |
You're angry. You're hurting. |
| [03:55.850] |
Can I tell you what the answer is? |
| [03:58.250] |
Strip joints! |
| [04:01.690] |
Hey,you're single. Have some hormones. |
| [04:05.260] |
But I don't want to be single,okay? |
| [04:07.690] |
I just want to be married again. |
| [04:15.400] |
And I just want a million dollars! |
| [04:22.670] |
- Rachel? - Oh,Monica! Thank God! |
| [04:26.780] |
I went to your building.. |
| [04:28.780] |
and a guy with a hammer said you'd be here,and you are. |
| [04:32.720] |
- Can I get you some coffee? - Decaf. - |
| [04:37.290] |
Everybody,this is Rachel, a Lincoln High survivor. |
| [04:40.890] |
This is everybody. Chandler and Phoebe.. |
| [04:43.660] |
Joey. Remember my brother,Ross? |
| [04:46.060] |
Sure! - |
| [04:57.180] |
You want to tell us now,or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? |
| [05:03.050] |
Well,it started about a half-hour before the wedding. |
| [05:08.050] |
I was in the room with all the presents.. |
| [05:10.920] |
and I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. |
| [05:16.830] |
When all of a sudden |
| [05:18.660] |
Sweet 'N Low? |
| [05:22.230] |
I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry. |
| [05:26.340] |
I got freaked out, and it hit me: |
| [05:29.410] |
How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Barry |
| [05:32.880] |
I always knew he looked familiar,but.. |
| [05:38.680] |
I had to get out of there, and I started wondering.. |
| [05:42.290] |
"Why am I doing this," and "Who am I doing it for?" “ |
| [05:46.160] |
I didn't know where to go, and I know we've drifted apart.. |
| [05:50.730] |
but you're the only person I know here. |
| [05:53.730] |
- Who wasn't invited to the wedding. - I hoped that wouldn't be an issue. - |
| [06:15.590] |
I guess he bought her the pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. |
| [06:21.130] |
"Tuna or egg salad! Decide!" |
| [06:25.260] |
"I'll have whatever Christina's having." “ |
| [06:30.170] |
Daddy,I just I can't marry him. |
| [06:39.080] |
Well,it matters to me! |
| [06:44.720] |
"If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off." “ |
| [06:51.260] |
She should not be wearing those pants. |
| [06:57.130] |
Push her! Push her down the stairs! |
| [07:04.270] |
Come on,Daddy,listen! |
| [07:07.510] |
All my life,everyone's always told me,"You're a shoe!" |
| [07:11.940] |
"You're a shoe!" “ |
| [07:14.550] |
What if I don't want to be a shoe? |
| [07:17.820] |
What if I want to be a purse? |
| [07:21.050] |
Or a hat? |
| [07:24.020] |
No,I don't want you to buy me a hat! |
| [07:26.660] |
It's a metaphor,Daddy! |
| [07:30.560] |
You can see where he'd have trouble. |
| [07:35.870] |
Look,Daddy, it's my life. |
| [07:39.000] |
Well,maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. |
| [07:44.710] |
I guess we've established she's staying with Monica. |
| [07:48.580] |
Well,maybe that's my decision. |
| [07:52.050] |
Maybe I don't need your money. |
| [07:54.820] |
Wait! I said maybe! |
| [08:04.860] |
Just breathe. That's it. |
| [08:07.900] |
Try to think of nice,calm things. |
| [08:10.700] |
Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens |
| [08:14.640] |
Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens |
| [08:19.640] |
La la la something And noodles with string |
| [08:23.880] |
I'm all better now. |
| [08:27.490] |
I helped. |
| [08:31.260] |
This is probably for the best. |
| [08:34.430] |
Independence. Controlling your life. The whole hat thing. |
| [08:39.260] |
You can always come to Joey. |
| [08:43.600] |
Me and Chandler live across the hall. He's away a lot. |
| [08:49.010] |
Stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day. |
| [08:52.040] |
Like there's a rule,or something? |
| [08:57.320] |
I got it. |
| [08:59.880] |
Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound. |
| [09:03.690] |
It's Paul. |
| [09:05.420] |
Oh,God,is it 6:30? Buzz him in. |
| [09:09.060] |
- Who's Paul? - Paul,the wine guy? - |
| [09:11.730] |
Maybe. |
| [09:12.900] |
Your "not a real date" is with Paul,the wine guy? |
| [09:16.400] |
- He finally asked you out? - Yes! - |
| [09:19.100] |
It's a "Dear Diary" moment. |
| [09:21.770] |
- Rach,I can cancel. - Please,go,I'll be fine. - |
| [09:26.610] |
Ross,are you okay? Do you want me to stay? Ross, |
| [09:30.210] |
That'd be good. |
| [09:34.150] |
- Really?- Go on! It's Paul,the wine guy! - |
| [09:38.720] |
Does he sell it,drink it? |
| [09:41.160] |
Or he just complains a lot? |
| [09:44.130] |
Hi,come in! Paul,this is.. |
| [09:47.670] |
everybody. Everybody,this is Paul. |
| [09:51.870] |
- The wine guy. - I didn't catch your name. Paul? |
| [09:57.440] |
I'll be right back. I've just gotta go |
| [10:00.780] |
A-wandering? |
| [10:03.350] |
Change. |
| [10:04.880] |
Sit down. Two seconds. |
| [10:11.220] |
I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. |
| [10:19.300] |
Hey,Paul,here's a tip. |
| [10:21.870] |
She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot.. |
| [10:26.670] |
until it starts to get red. |
| [10:29.710] |
Shut up,Joey! |
| [10:33.540] |
What are you up to tonight? |
| [10:36.450] |
I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon.. |
| [10:40.450] |
so,nothing. |
| [10:44.160] |
Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon. |
| [10:47.390] |
Although,Aruba. This time of year? |
| [10:50.600] |
Talk about your.. |
| [10:53.230] |
big lizards. |
| [10:59.170] |
If you don't want to be alone tonight.. |
| [11:02.070] |
Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture. |
| [11:05.840] |
We're very excited about it. |
| [11:08.480] |
Thanks. But I'm just going to hang out here. |
| [11:11.880] |
- It's been a long day. - Oh,sure. - |
| [11:14.290] |
Phoebe,wanna help? |
| [11:27.670] |
Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art |
| [11:34.010] |
But your love Oh,your love,your love |
| [11:39.810] |
Is like a giant pigeon |
| [11:44.420] |
Crapping on my heart |
| [11:50.550] |
Thank you. La-la-la-la-la- |
| [12:01.130] |
I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things.. |
| [12:05.470] |
using a bunch of these little worm guys. |
| [12:09.710] |
I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever.. |
| [12:14.480] |
and I cannot feel my legs. |
| [12:20.790] |
- We got a bookcase. - It's beautiful. - |
| [12:25.020] |
What's this? |
| [12:26.560] |
I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket. |
| [12:32.000] |
- Which goes where? - I have no idea. - |
| [12:38.040] |
- Done with the bookcase. - All finished. - |
| [12:44.510] |
This was Carol's favorite beer. |
| [12:48.580] |
She always drank it out of the can. I should have known. |
| [12:55.920] |
- Start with that,we're out of here. - Please don't spoil all this fun. - |
| [13:01.330] |
Let me ask you. Ross, |
| [13:02.930] |
She got the furniture, the stereo,the good TV. |
| [13:07.470] |
What did you get? |
| [13:09.500] |
- You guys. - You got screwed. - |
| [13:12.770] |
- Oh,my God. - I know. I'm such an idiot. - |
| [13:17.580] |
I should've known when she went to the dentist five times a week. |
| [13:22.350] |
I mean,how clean can teeth get? |
| [13:24.880] |
My brother's going through that. |
| [13:27.420] |
How did you get over it? |
| [13:29.220] |
He might accidentally break something valuable of hers. |
| [13:32.860] |
- Say her - Leg? |
| [13:34.690] |
That's one way of doing it. I went for the watch. |
| [13:39.230] |
You actually broke her watch? |
| [13:46.400] |
- Steer clear of you. - That's right. |
| [13:50.570] |
Barry,I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Barry, |
| [13:53.810] |
You probably think it's about making love with your socks on,but it isn't. |
| [13:59.380] |
It's about me. And I just |
| [14:08.730] |
The machine cut me off again. Anyway.. |
| [14:16.630] |
I know that some lucky girl is going to become Mrs. Barry Finkel. |
| [14:21.810] |
But it isn't me. It's not me. |
| [14:25.740] |
Not that I have any idea who "me" is right now,but you just |
| [14:32.650] |
I'm divorced. |
| [14:34.420] |
- I'm only 26,and I'm divorced! - Shut up! |
| [14:45.200] |
That only took me an hour. |
| [14:48.570] |
We haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento. Ross, |
| [14:56.540] |
You have had the love of a woman for four years. |
| [15:00.110] |
Four years of closeness and sharing, after which she ripped your heart out. |
| [15:05.620] |
That is why we don't do it! |
| [15:09.520] |
I don't think that was my point! |
| [15:13.160] |
Know what's scary? What if there's only one woman for everybody? |
| [15:17.490] |
I mean,what if you get one woman,and that's it? |
| [15:20.830] |
Unfortunately,in my case, there was only one woman for her. |
| [15:27.740] |
What are you talking about? One woman. |
| [15:31.710] |
That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream. |
| [15:35.410] |
Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there. |
| [15:39.750] |
Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla. |
| [15:44.690] |
You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream. |
| [15:49.460] |
It's the best thing to happen to you! |
| [15:52.230] |
You got married. You were like,what,8? |
| [16:01.210] |
- I don't know if I'm hungry or horny. - Then stay out of my freezer. - |
| [16:09.650] |
Ever since she walked out on me.. |
| [16:13.250] |
What? |
| [16:15.390] |
You wanna spell it out with noodles? |
| [16:18.020] |
It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation. |
| [16:27.630] |
Isn't there? |
| [16:29.470] |
Yeah,yeah. I think there is. |
| [16:33.370] |
What were you going to say? - |
| [16:40.180] |
Ever since she left me.. |
| [16:43.510] |
I haven't been able to perform.. |
| [16:47.020] |
sexually. |
| [16:51.120] |
Oh,God! I'm so sorry. |
| [16:54.220] |
Being spit on is probably not what you need right now. |
| [17:00.200] |
How long? |
| [17:01.870] |
- Two years. - Wow. |
| [17:05.170] |
I'm glad you smashed her watch. |
| [17:09.940] |
So you still think you might want that fifth date? |
| [17:16.450] |
Yeah. Yeah,I do. |
| [17:21.220] |
We are gathered here to join Joanie Louise Cunningham.. |
| [17:26.260] |
and Charles. Chachi,Chachi,Chachi.. |
| [17:32.330] |
in the bonds of holy matrimony. |
| [17:36.670] |
See! |
| [17:37.940] |
But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference. |
| [17:44.810] |
"Grab a spoon." |
| [17:46.840] |
Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? |
| [17:50.510] |
Do the words,"Billy,don't be a hero," mean anything to you? |
| [17:58.490] |
Great story. But I gotta go. |
| [18:01.790] |
I got a date with Andrea. Angela. No,Andrea. |
| [18:06.830] |
Andrea's the screamer. Angela has cats. |
| [18:10.400] |
Right,thanks. It's Julie. I'm out of here. |
| [18:16.640] |
Here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough.. |
| [18:21.180] |
to ask a woman out.. |
| [18:49.940] |
Isn't this amazing? I've never made coffee in my life. |
| [18:53.940] |
- That is amazing. - Congratulations. |
| [18:56.650] |
If I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do. |
| [19:06.290] |
If you feel like you have to make a Western omelet or something.. |
| [19:13.900] |
Although,actually I'm really not that hungry. |
| [19:18.570] |
Oh,good. Lenny and Squiggy are here. |
| [19:22.510] |
- Good morning. - Good morning. |
| [19:26.540] |
- Morning. - Morning,Paul. |
| [19:28.780] |
- Hello,Paul. - Hi. Paul,is it? |
| [19:38.660] |
- Thank you so much. - Stop. |
| [19:41.790] |
Last night was like all my birthdays,both graduations.. |
| [19:46.530] |
plus the barn-raising scene in Witness. |
| [20:01.680] |
Thank you. |
| [20:10.450] |
That wasn't a real date. |
| [20:18.230] |
Shut up and put my table back. |
| [20:21.900] |
I've got to get to work. |
| [20:32.540] |
So,like,you guys all have jobs? |
| [20:36.380] |
Yeah,we all have jobs. That's how we buy stuff. |
| [20:43.090] |
- Yeah,I'm an actor. - Have I seen you in anything? |
| [20:47.390] |
I doubt it. Mostly regional work. |
| [20:53.630] |
at the little theater in the park? |
| [20:56.830] |
It was a job! |
| [20:58.540] |
"Look,Geppetto. I'm a real live boy." |
| [21:03.940] |
- I will not take this abuse. - You're right,I'm sorry. - |
| [21:13.080] |
You should both know that he's a dead man. |
| [21:17.450] |
Oh,Chandler! |
| [21:21.860] |
How are you doing today? Sleep okay? |
| [21:24.360] |
Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. |
| [21:28.470] |
I see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. |
| [21:37.670] |
I know. He's just so... |
| [21:41.310] |
- Remember you and Tony Demarco? - Oh,yeah. - |
| [21:44.250] |
Well,it's like that. With feelings. |
| [21:48.850] |
- Wow,are you in trouble! - Big time! - |
| [21:52.320] |
Want a wedding dress? Hardly used. |
| [21:55.790] |
I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. |
| [21:59.560] |
I'm going to get up,go to work, and not think about him all day. |
| [22:05.140] |
Or else I'm going to get up and go to work. |
| [22:08.240] |
- Wish me luck! - What for? - |
| [22:10.070] |
I'm gonna go get one of those job things. |
| [22:24.660] |
- Hi,Monica. - Franny,welcome back. |
| [22:27.320] |
- How was Florida? - You had sex,didn't you? |
| [22:32.530] |
- How do you do that? - I hate you. |
| [22:34.930] |
I'm pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle,you're having sex. |
| [22:39.140] |
So,who? |
| [22:42.670] |
You know Paul? |
| [22:44.440] |
Paul,the wine guy? Yeah,I know Paul. |
| [22:50.350] |
You mean,you know Paul like I know Paul? |
| [22:53.050] |
What? I take credit for Paul. |
| [22:55.350] |
Before me,there was no snap in his turtle for two years. |
| [23:02.930] |
Of course it was a line. |
| [23:05.830] |
Why would anybody do something like that? |
| [23:08.730] |
I assume we want an answer more sophisticated than: |
| [23:12.170] |
"To get you into bed." “ |
| [23:15.310] |
I hate men. |
| [23:17.810] |
Don't hate. You don't want to put that out into the universe. |
| [23:22.250] |
Is it me? |
| [23:23.850] |
Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs.. |
| [23:27.650] |
and men with emotional problems can hear? |
| [23:30.520] |
Come here. Give me your feet. |
| [23:40.060] |
I just thought he was nice,you know? |
| [23:46.300] |
I can't believe you didn't know it was a line. |
| [23:53.780] |
- Guess what? - You got a job? |
| [23:55.810] |
Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing. |
| [24:00.380] |
- I was laughed out of 12 interviews. - You're surprisingly upbeat. - |
| [24:04.520] |
You'd be too, if you found these boots on sale.. |
| [24:08.000] |
50% off. 5 |
| [24:10.160] |
How well you know me. |
| [24:14.360] |
They're my "I don't need a job.. |
| [24:17.100] |
I've got great boots" boots. |
| [24:20.570] |
- How did you pay? - Credit card. - |
| [24:23.310] |
And who pays for that? |
| [24:26.240] |
My father. |
| [24:31.750] |
Is this really necessary? I can stop charging any time. |
| [24:35.490] |
You can't live off your parents. |
| [24:37.920] |
I know that. That's why I was getting married. |
| [24:42.330] |
Give her a break. It's hard being on your own. |
| [24:45.700] |
Thank you. |
| [24:46.860] |
I remember when I first came to this city,I was 14. |
| [24:50.600] |
Mom had killed herself, stepdad was in jail. |
| [24:53.670] |
I didn't know anybody here. |
| [24:55.910] |
I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields. |
| [25:00.710] |
And then he killed himself. |
| [25:02.710] |
Then I found aromatherapy. So I know exactly how you feel. |
| [25:10.690] |
The word you're looking for is: |
| [25:20.400] |
- You ready? - No,how can I be ready? - |
| [25:24.330] |
"Ready to jump out of the plane with no parachute?" “ |
| [25:27.400] |
- I can't do this. - I know you can. |
| [25:29.840] |
- No. - You made coffee,you can do anything. - |
| [25:35.510] |
Cut. Cut. Cut. |
| [25:43.550] |
You know what? I think we can leave it at that. |
| [25:47.320] |
- Kind of a symbolic gesture. - Rachel,that was a library card. - |
| [25:58.070] |
If you listen closely,you can hear a thousand retailers scream. |
| [26:06.140] |
Welcome to the real world! |
| [26:08.010] |
It sucks. You're gonna love it. |
| [26:19.160] |
That's it. Are you going to crash on the couch? |
| [26:22.390] |
- No,I gotta go home sometime. - Are you gonna be okay? |
| [26:28.370] |
Look what I just found on the floor. |
| [26:32.600] |
What? 什么? |
| [26:34.340] |
That's Paul's watch. Just put it back where you found it. |
| [26:39.740] |
Oh,boy! All right. |
| [26:42.350] |
- Good night,everybody. - Good night. |
| [26:55.730] |
- I'm sorry. Have it,I don't want it. - Split it? - |
| [27:04.870] |
You probably didn't know this, but in high school.. |
| [27:08.710] |
I had a major crush on you. |
| [27:12.510] |
I knew. |
| [27:14.040] |
You did? |
| [27:17.380] |
I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother. |
| [27:21.120] |
I did. |
| [27:27.820] |
Listen,do you think..? |
| [27:29.630] |
Try not to let my vulnerability become a factor here. |
| [27:35.270] |
Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime? |
| [27:40.300] |
Yeah. |
| [27:42.670] |
Maybe. |
| [27:44.910] |
Okay. |
| [27:51.620] |
Okay,maybe I will. |
| [27:57.890] |
- Good night. - Good night. |
| [28:14.370] |
See you. |
| [28:17.910] |
Wait,wait. What's with you? |
| [28:23.010] |
I just grabbed a spoon. |
| [28:33.420] |
- I can't believe what I'm hearing. - Can't believe what I'm hearing - |
| [28:37.760] |
- What? I said - What? I said - |
| [28:41.000] |
- Would you stop? - Was I doing it again? - |
| [28:43.700] |
Yes! - |
| [28:46.300] |
I said you had a nice butt. It's just not a great butt. |
| [28:50.910] |
- You won't know a butt if it bit you. - There's an image. - |
| [28:57.610] |
Would anybody like more coffee? |
| [29:01.850] |
You made it, or you're serving it? |
| [29:04.290] |
- I'm just serving it. - I'll have a cup of coffee. - |
| [29:08.090] |
Kids,new dream. |
| [29:09.730] |
I'm in Las Vegas. |
| [29:11.160] |
Miss,more coffee? |
| [29:14.200] |
Could you give this to that guy over there? |
| [29:18.500] |
Go ahead. Thank you. |
| [29:21.470] |
Sorry. Okay,Las Vegas. |
| [29:24.410] |
I'm in Las Vegas. |
| [29:27.410] |
I'm Liza Minnelli.. … |
