| [00:04.351] |
BETELGEUSE: Okay |
| [00:05.654] |
Listen up, I'm not gonna lie |
| [00:08.728] |
Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly |
| [00:11.885] |
Or scare a seagull off of a fry |
| [00:15.310] |
You ever stop to ask yourselves "why?" |
| [00:18.990] |
Both of you are super polite |
| [00:22.409] |
Middle class, suburban, and white |
| [00:25.303] |
Well, all of that is finished tonight |
| [00:28.437] |
Except for the white part, obviously |
| [00:31.057] |
Take your places |
| [00:32.975] |
I want scary faces |
| [00:34.244] |
Now go! |
| [00:35.021] |
Bigger |
| [00:35.283] |
Further |
| [00:35.792] |
Harder |
| [00:37.072] |
Not bad |
| [00:37.602] |
Sever a head |
| [00:39.155] |
Preferably someone you know |
| [00:40.996] |
BARBARA, spoken: Look at me, I'm so scary. |
| [00:44.359] |
BETELGEUSE: Don't be so vanilla |
| [00:45.684] |
Would a little anger kill ya? |
| [00:47.243] |
C'mon, drop your panties |
| [00:49.062] |
I'm trying to fill ya |
| [00:50.633] |
With wisdom and skill |
| [00:51.937] |
And the instinct to kill |
| [00:53.511] |
ADAM, spoken: Again, we do not want to kill anyone! |
| [00:55.870] |
BETELGEUSE, spoken: Fine! |
| [00:56.635] |
But somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya. |
| [00:59.515] |
I'm talkin' jump-scares, the jerky Japanese ghost-walk. Plus— |
| [01:03.202] |
Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties! |
| [01:06.080] |
ADAM, spoken: Now THAT is cool! I wanna do that! |
| [01:09.633] |
BETELGEUSE: Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy |
| [01:13.710] |
Raising the stakes by punching a baby |
| [01:16.817] |
Scare 'em awake till they break |
| [01:18.653] |
They'll be quaking in fright |
| [01:23.099] |
'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you |
| [01:26.742] |
Put all the farmer's markets behind you |
| [01:30.139] |
You've gotta work |
| [01:31.189] |
Gotta haunt till it hurts |
| [01:32.757] |
Through the night |
| [01:34.840] |
And give those guys the fright of their lives |
| [01:39.545] |
Yeah yeah! |
| [01:43.930] |
Let's start with things that you hate |
| [01:45.499] |
ADAM: Well, hate's a very strong word |
| [01:47.060] |
BARBARA: Perhaps when people are late |
| [01:48.563] |
ADAM: Or getting pooped on by birds? |
| [01:50.392] |
BETELGEUSE: No, what fills you with rage? |
| [01:51.964] |
BARBARA: Being mean to a pet |
| [01:53.798] |
ADAM: Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette |
| [01:57.184] |
BARBARA: Over-glutinous food (BETELGEUSE: Right. ) |
| [01:59.033] |
ADAM: Or when kids call me "dude" (BETELGEUSE: Sure. ) |
| [02:00.561] |
BARBARA: Oh, I find that so rude! |
| [02:02.668] |
BETELGEUSE: Well, there's lots there to use |
| [02:03.688] |
Take a deep breath |
| [02:04.717] |
And give me your best primal scream |
| [02:07.065] |
BARBARA: Haaah! |
| [02:08.631] |
ADAM, spoken: Barbara, that was brilliant! |
| [02:09.672] |
BARBARA, spoken: Really? |
| [02:10.187] |
BETELGEUSE: Try it again |
| [02:11.216] |
Maybe this time pretend like you mean it |
| [02:13.853] |
BARBARA: Aaauuhh! |
| [02:15.422] |
ADAM, spoken: That was even better! (BARBARA: Thanks!) |
| [02:16.693] |
BETELGEUSE: I want freedom |
| [02:19.038] |
But to get my freedom, I need them |
| [02:22.932] |
To get a living person to say my name |
| [02:26.850] |
ADAM & BARBARA: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse? |
| [02:29.201] |
BETELGEUSE: I know that beggars can't be choosers |
| [02:32.327] |
But do they have to be such losers? |
| [02:35.731] |
Both of them are deathly dull and lame |
| [02:40.188] |
ADAM & BARBARA & CHOIR: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse |
| [02:43.331] |
BETELGEUSE: Why God-slash-Satan, did you send these bed wetters? |
| [02:46.753] |
Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better |
| [02:50.153] |
Somebody with gravitas, somebody to fear who— |
| [02:52.938] |
ADAM: Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse |
| [02:54.742] |
We can kind of hear you |
| [02:56.565] |
BETELGEUSE, spoken: Yeah? |
| [02:57.524] |
Well that was a soliloquy, so you're the one who's being rude. |
| [03:01.203] |
(sung)Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy |
| [03:05.407] |
BARBARA: Turn all the lights on |
| [03:06.700] |
ADAM: Dress like a baby |
| [03:08.783] |
BETELGEUSE, spoken: Adam, I don't even...no. |
| [03:10.340] |
(sung)Get your heads in the game |
| [03:13.985] |
ADAM & BARBARA: Let's hide their phones! |
| [03:15.024] |
BETELGEUSE (ADAM & BARBARA): Screw their phones! |
| [03:15.992] |
Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless |
| [03:18.598] |
How will I ever survive? |
| [03:25.113] |
Unless they get the fright of their lives |
| [03:27.474] |
(Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it! ) |
| [03:32.171] |
They gotta get the fright of their lives |
| [03:36.009] |
(We're scary, very very scary!) |
| [03:38.618] |
They'll never get the fright of their lives |
| [03:40.969] |
(Yeah!) |
| [03:41.746] |
Ugh |
